When I was growing up and listening to Bob Dylan, I didn’t know any kids being diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and Bipolar disease. They weren’t given serotonin reuptake inhibitors for depression or administered mood stabilizers to manage extreme moods and behaviors. LD or Learning Disabilities didn’t become actual classification until the 1970′s when congress passed IDEA-PL92-142 (Individual’s with Disabilities Act) and IEP’s (Individualized Education Plans) became law to help children experiencing significant problems in the classroom. Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD) or Aspergers syndrome weren’t even part of the lexicon. The truth of the matter is, however, all the child problem’s that exist today DID exist back in the 1950′s and 1960′s (and before). LD and ADHD used to be referred to as minimal brain damage and hyperkinesis. Children were medicated, but it was significantly less. Educational support was available, but not necessarily in the school. Children with severe NLD or Aspergers were often misdiagnosed as schizophrenic or autistic and sent away to institutions.

With progress and change, many wonderful tools have become available to parents and child advocates that have allowed society to better assess and treat children with problems. Consequently, many more children are being diagnosed with problems and the cost to treat them has risen astronomically. With progress and change, the landscape of childhood and adolescence has evolved. In addition to all the psychological and sociological shifts or changes there are biological ones as well. For example, the literature reports the onset of menstruation for girls today is earlier than 50 years ago. Moreover, the dramatic effect of divorce on children, the daunting influence of media on eating disorders and steroid use, and teen suicide occurring at alarming rates are further examples of how society has impacted the mental health of our children. So… I ask the question “what’s going on with my kid?” as a rhetorical remark to challenge parents to become knowledgeable about the variations in child development and how to assess whether or not your child needs help.

CHILD DEVELOPMENT

In order for a parent to determine whether or not his or her child has a problem, it is important to view children from a developmental perspective. When Psychologists refer to normal child development, they expect a sequence of physical, biological, psychological, and socio-emotional patterns to emerge over time as the child matures into adulthood. There are many developmental principles that define child development. Below are three principles that help give a flavor of developmental theory:

1.            Development is sequential and predictable. Despite the myriad of changes children experience, development is rather orderly and unfolds in a predictable sequence. For example, an 8 year old child views the world concretely, things are either black or white, good or bad; a teenager, however, possesses the ability to abstract and the world perspective turns to gradations of gray.

2.            Developmental skills begin in a simple fashion and proceed in an orderly fashion toward a more complex structure. Language development is a perfect example of this where sounds and babbling give way to words, sentences and stories.

3.            The biology of the child places limits on the child’s development. Biology refers to how a human being is ‘wired’. Let’s say a child is unable to read or is dyslexic, it can effect how a child establishes an academic foundation to learn.

Problems in child development occur when the usual sequence fails or the child lags by comparison to similar aged peers. When a child is unable to meet the tasks in a particular stage, he or she will not be as well equipped to meet the tasks and challenges ahead. The proverbial ” stuck in his adolescence” is a reference to an adult unable to meet the challenges of being a mature productive adult because he has not mastered and resolved the tasks of adolescence. Parents need to understand normal child development before they can appropriately determine problems or abnormalities.

PROBLEM AREAS

It is true that children today are diagnosed with psychiatric disorders at a much higher rate than 2-3 decades ago. Does that mean children today are more disturbed or “sicker” than the generations that preceded them? Or conversely, are we over diagnosing normal children with psychiatric diagnoses and falsely creating a generation of mentally ill children? There is no simple answer and the problem is not so black and white. Regardless of where one stands philosophically on the childhood mental illness issue, parents need to be able to determine when their child is experiencing problems that negatively affect normal development. My professional preference is to view children through “the facts of their experiences” and then place that in a developmental framework. I steer away from labeling problems as illness and work toward helping children capitalize on their identified strengths and coping with and/or reducing their identified weaknesses. What are notable problem areas or “the facts of childhood experiences?”

•            DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS-These are the ADHD, ODD, Conduct Disorder type children who experience problems of self-control, self-regulating, and organization.

•            MOOD PROBLEMS-Depression and extreme variability of mood are the hallmarks of this category.

•            WORRY AND FEAR PROBLEMS- The anxious child or fearful child who is inundated with experiences of ‘fight or flight’.

•            LEARNING PROBLEMS-Children who experience the learning process as a chore and age-appropriate skills are not easily assimilated.

•            RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS-This problem area refers to attachment difficulties and problems in establishing and maintaining healthy social relationships.

•            PROBLEMS IN DEVELOPMENT- When children experience significant problems in normal development across all of the above mentioned problem areas. Today, these children are often referred to as PDD, or suffering from pervasive developmental disorder.

The problem areas listed above are a guideline to help parents conceptualize how their children experience difficulties in their lives. The six categories are not mutually exclusive; overlap is common and often the case. When parents believe problems are present and are outside the normal realm of child

development, they must determine the 1.) Duration, 2.) Frequency and 3.) Severity of the problem area. If a child is exhibiting problems for more than a month, on a frequent basis, and it is interfering with normal expected tasks, then parental intervention is indicated. Clearly, professional help is advised, but is best received by the child when parents have done their homework.

I sincerely doubt that Dylan was addressing parenting issues when he wrote “Ballad of a Thin Man.” In fact, the allegory takes place in a creepy masquerade of confusion and mirrors. The echo “something is happening here and you don’t know what it is” is a universal chant of being lost when you are suppose to know what is going on. A parent’s challenge is to bring rays of hope into the home when his or her child’s despair seems so strong. I will conclude this newsletter with another Dylan verse, one of hope for our children:

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you.

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung.

And may you stay forever young.

d development, they must determine the 1.) Duration, 2.) Frequency and 3.) Severity of the problem area. If a child is exhibiting problems for more than a month, on a frequent basis, and it is interfering with normal expected tasks, then parental intervention is indicated. Clearly, professional help is advised, but is best received by the child when parents have done their homework.

I sincerely doubt that Dylan was addressing parenting issues when he wrote “Ballad of a Thin Man.” In fact, the allegory takes place in a creepy masquerade of confusion and mirrors. The echo “something is happening here and you don’t know what it is” is a universal chant of being lost when you are suppose to know what is going on. A parent’s challenge is to bring rays of hope into the home when his or her child’s despair seems so strong. I will conclude this newsletter with another Dylan verse, one of hope for our children:

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you.

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung.

And may you stay forever young.

1-A sense of home -Home is where parenting happens! From the moment you take your child home from the hospital, the family life begins. Home is the base; it is the common structure shared by all in the family. Creating a home, bound with feelings of security and safety is an essential building block for a healthy home.

Home sweet home! There’s no place like home! These sayings epitomize the simplicity and the importance of home. A home base is where parents parent.

2-A sense of soul – In every home a family story unfolds. What is the mood inside the family den? How do the family members perceive themselves in relationship to other families in the community? What happens behind closed doors? The private world is different from the public image. A family has many features and children develop a sense of themselves in an ever-changing cascade between their private world and their public world. A morality is created about right and wrong, good and bad, defining “me” in relation to ” others.” In many ways, a sense of soul is created within the family “den” – a soulful existence for all the family members. This soulful feeling within each person in the family is often transparent and unexplainable, yet it mobilizes the whole family with purpose and meaning. The parent’s influence over the family soul inside the family “den” is also unquestionably powerful.

Soul means many different things to many different people. Soul may have religious connotations, philosophical delineations, or new age interpretations. In gestalt psychology, the gestalt refers to ” the whole being greater (or different) from the sum its parts. Therefore the family gestalt would have a similar meaning. For this discussion, the family soul refers to something greater than or different from all the individual family members. Within the home a family story emerges and as a result a soulful place begins to lay its foundation. The family soul is more than or, at least, different from a collection of all the family members’ interactions.

Every step of the way in a child’s development a parent responds and as Thomas Moore wrote in his book, Soul Mate (1994), – “The family, the soul wants, is a felt network of relationships, an evocation of a certain kind of interconnection that grounds, roots, and nestles.” In many homes the sense of soul in the family is alive and vibrant and endures in good times as well as bad. In other families, the sense of soul is lost and in the words of Thomas Wolfe, “you can’t go home again.”

3-A sense of time – Time is all about perspective or as Einstein would say, time is a relative thing. Giving your child a sense of time is critical to their understanding of how they can master the world around them. Nowadays, children are ruled by immediacy, things cannot wait. Teaching children how to delay gratification, postpone reward, plan and organize gives children the tools to manage time. Also, when children learn there is an appropriate place and time for some things and not for others, then they become increasingly more respectful of other’s limits and boundaries. Teaching children a sense of time gives them perspective and as they mature they learn to balance their immediate needs, desires and wishes with the people around them.

During the flow of life events, teaching your children a healthy respect for time allows them an understanding of their place in the world. For parents, a sense of time means our relationship with our children lasts a lifetime from infancy to adulthood.

4-A sense of contact – Human beings are social beings. What makes us human is not our reflection in the mirror but rather our connection to our fellow man. We become human when we make contact with other human beings. Human contact is the humanizing factor that helps make us who we are. What makes us a parent, simply put, is our children! From the babies first breath or holding our adopted child for the first time, the parenting journey unfolds. Selma Fraiberg, author of “The Magic Years,” referred to this contact as the emotional dance between parent and child. The parent-child dance, albeit common, is universally unique. Every parent has a dance with his or her child. Some parents are wallflowers. Some parents dance too close. Other parents may be doing the waltz while others feel they are in the mosh pit. Regardless of the style of the dance, the parent-child relationship takes on a rhythm of its own. The dance or the sense of contact becomes the essence of the relationship.

This contact becomes the bell weather for the child in learning love from hate, and right from wrong. The child’s sense of self begins to become established in the face of the parent. This first dance becomes a prototype for all future dances the child experiences. The child’s ability to make contact with the world is first nurtured in the home. A sense of contact in a soulful home of love and warmth – safe and secure – manifests itself in the child’s character in ways only the parent and child can truly understand.

5-A sense of choice- As parents there are so many things we do not have control over…a left handed child, the second grade teacher, your child’s best friend… But, we always have a choice of how we respond to the our left handed child struggling in a right handed dominant world, and we always have a choice of how we work with our ADHD daughter’s second grade teacher, and we always have a choice of how we navigate our teenage son’s selection of friends.

There is no escaping the importance of family life and the effect it has on each individual member. A study by Henderson et. al. in 2003 indicated that life satisfaction is 72% more likely with people who satisfied with their family life.

Children, in their own peculiar and unique way, bring out the best and worst in us. As parents, we navigate their development and growth as best we can. It is extremely difficult to turn off the parenting button once the switch has been turned on. Knowing that we make many mistakes in parenting our children, we still must embrace our job with the wisdom to know it is our responsibility to love and nurture our baby’s life.

With 5 sense worth of parenting, our ordinary and simple wisdom will go a long way and its value is priceless!

Also, and once upon a time, there was a big boy, who lived across the town from Jane, and his name was Max. Max was 8, pretty tall for his age, and loved sports. He played all day long and was happy as long as he had a ball in his hand. Every Saturday, he and his father did chores together and drove in Dad’s car all over town. Max wanted to be a father some day, just like his dad.

This little girl, Jane, and this big boy, Max, met his senior year in high school. Jane was a junior. They liked one another but never dated. They remained casual friends for years. After Jane graduated from college with a degree in psychology, she moved back home. Jane had plans to go to law school. Max stayed in town to go to the local college. He dropped out after his first semester, sophomore year and started working in his father’s family business. Jane and Max started dating. And not before too long, Max proposed to Jane and they had a beautiful wedding. Jane and Max were going to begin a family, just like their parents.

It’s important to know that in the town where Jane and Max were raised, everybody had this quirky ability to memorize the statistics about cultural trends. Jane and Max were no different. They knew 43% of first time marriages end in divorce, and since both of their parent’s were, now, divorced, the likelihood of divorce loomed larger. Jane and Max would have 1.8 children. Jane and Max knew that it would cost them nearly $400,000 to raise their 1.8 children to adulthood and an additional $200,000 per child to attend and graduate from a top rated four-year university. Jane and Max knew their children would watch 1680 minutes of TV a week and will view 8000 murders by the time they complete elementary school. Jane and Max also knew 60 million households have at least one computer in the home and that there are 200,000 new subscribers to myspace.com per day. Nonetheless, Jane and Max were committed to the notion of having children; it was a lifelong dream for both of them. Jane and Max knew that nearly nine of ten people, their age, wanted to raise children. Jane and Max also knew that overall life satisfaction was 72% more likely when a person felt satisfied with his and her own family life.

It was a normal day, Friday. Jane and Max had been married 18 years. Their marriage was strong. They had two children, Sally, 15, and Jack, 13. The country was at war, money was tight, and the cost of living had dramatically increased. Max was self-employed. This was his third business venture since his father sold the family business. Max knew that most men would have 5-6 different jobs before they retired. Jane worked part-time. They needed the additional income. Sally was a jock, an A-B student, popular, and Daddy’s favorite. She was self-driven and loved pleasing others. Sally abhorred conflict. Jack was a classic underachiever. He loved music, hated sports, and talked endlessly with his mom about politics and life. Jack was rather disorganized and required a lot of tending to… Things were relatively good, and things were, also, scary.

Growing up, Sally and Jack loved to build elaborate forts in Jack’s room. They spent endless hours playing together. Jack was terrified of storms, especially thunder and lightning. He was frightened 100% of the time causing serious sleeping problems throughout the years. The forts became useful because on stormy nights the 2 kids would sleep together under their creations in order to brave their fears. But on most nights, 98% of the time, when Jack was having difficulty going to sleep at bedtime, he slept in his mom and dad’s bed. Jane and Max’s sex life decreased by 37% since they had kids. Jane spent 93% of her awake hours, outside of work, with her children. Max worked, on the average, 52 hours a week and with the rest of his available time, he was with the family 89% of the time. During family time, Jack received 82% of the negative attention from his parents and Sally received 59% of the positive attention. The family enjoyed taking family rides to explore new places and new towns all the while playing car games, laughing, listening to mom and dad’s old music, and talking about – ‘just anything’…Things were relatively good and things were, also, scary.

It was 9:30 pm; Jane and Max were taking their own Friday evening ride. It was their time to connect. They had done this evening ride for nearly 20 years, it used to be with kids, but they’re teenagers now and don’t want to be seen with their parents. Spring storms were abounding which made for exciting fireworks in the sky. Jane and Max were listening to Van Morrison and talking about the kids. Max’s cell phone rings. “Dad, it’s Sally. Will you pick-me up?”

This was one of those “don’t talk and don’t ask” parent-teenager situations. Most of Sally’s friends had begun drinking on weekends. Jane, Max, and Sally knew that 80 % of children, by the time they were seniors in high school, would experiment with alcohol and other drugs. 30% -35% would be heavy drinkers and 10-15% would be regular pot smokers. Sally was one of the sophomore holdouts and as a result she was, intentionally and unintentionally, being left out. Sally’s friends were really changing and Sally had little control over her friend’s choices. Sally also knew there were 6 million cutters in the country and that diagnosed eating disorders had increased 400% since she was born 15 years ago. Tonight, she was feeling pretty helpless. Sally was also premenstrual. So was mom. In fact, 70% of mothers and daughters’ periods overlap. Max and Jack had no clue.

Sally jumped into the back seat. Her face was long and her eyes were red. She had that look on her face that Jane and Max knew all too well. “Don’t worry honey, we were on our way to pick up your brother at the movies anyway. Afterwards, we can get some ice cream if you would like. “No thanks, I just want to go home.”

As the family approached the entrance of the 20 theatre-multiplex, crowds of kids were out front, running around, pushing each other into the rain, making lots of noise. Jack wasn’t part of the crowd. He was waiting by himself thirty feet away from the other kids. “He’s such a loser,” exclaimed Sally as she waved to a couple of the kids in the crowd. Jane and Max were worried about Jack. They knew that nearly 21% of children have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder with 5% being severe and that 2-3 million children are medicated with psychiatric medication. Jack walks up to the car, gets in, and says in a glum manner, with a tone that Jane and Max knew all too well; “I hate the kids at my school.” Jane asked how the movie was and reassured Jack that things will get better in high school. As they drove away, Sally said, “Oh yea, I forgot. Dad, you’ve got to hear this great new song,” as she handed him a CD to play. “It’s like, this really cool singer. Her name is Beth Orton.” Music was a centerpiece in the family and allowed everyone a neutral opportunity to be heard. So, as always, they all listened…

…Oh baby baby it’s a wild world. It’s hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby, it’s a wild world. I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know, I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do and it’s breaking my heart in two.
Because I never want to see you sad girl. Don’t be a bad girl. 
If you want to leave, take good care and make a lot of good friends out there. Just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware:
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world. It’s hard to get by just upon a smile…

When the song ended, Jack turned to Sally and said, “That’s a cover. That Muslim dude, who they thought was a terrorist, wrote that song back when mom and dad were kids. Yeah, Cat Stevens.” Jack was right 98% of the time when it came to music. “Whatever,” Sally replied. “I’m going to bed when I get home. I’ve got my PSAT’s in the morning.” Jane and Max were smiling in the front seat as lightning sparkled the dark sky. “1-2-3-4-5-6,” Jack counted anxiously to himself as a loud bang could be heard in the distance.

Jack was unable to sleep that night. 12:35am, 1:17am, 2:12am. Jack got up from his bed and entered his parent’s room as they slept and snored. He approached his mom and tapped her on the shoulder. He moaned, “Mom, I can’t sleep.” Jane and Max awakened. Moments later, Sally entered the room. “I can’t sleep either. I’m worried about tomorrow.” Max turned on the lights. The kids slipped into the parent’s king-size bed as Jane glanced over to her desk where she caught a glimpse of a photograph of her own mother and said, “Let’s build a fort!” Jane, Max, Sally, and Jack built a most incredible fort. Everyone found a comfortable space and began to fall asleep.

That is , except for Jack. The thunderclaps were too startling. Jack thrashed and rolled all night long…Things were relatively good, and things were, also, scary.

Jane and Max always knew they wanted to be a mom and dad. On this stormy morning, sleeping in the family-made fort, with sweet smiles on their tired faces, they knew why.

Let’s also face it – we live in perilous times! Being a citizen of the world, like parenting, carries with it an immense responsibility. In fact, how we parent may inextricably be linked to how we conduct ourselves as citizens. I can only imagine a nurturing parent would also be a nurturing citizen. Being a parent during complicated and perilous times is not new and, therefore, how we function as parents toward our children is critical in their own development and their sense of the world. I refer to this as parenting from the inside out.

Parenting from the inside out means we, as parents, have as much control as is humanly possible to positively affect the psychological world of our children. No matter what is happening in the world around us, parents have the potential to create a secure world within their family boundaries. Parenting from the inside out is comprised of three key factors.

•               KINDNESS and THOUGHTFULNESS-Being a parent requires kindness and thoughtfulness. Deliberate acts of kindness and conscious thoughtfulness teach respect. When the world can be unkind and cruel, thoughtless and indiscriminate from the outside in, a child can still learn to trust within the family boundaries.

•               POSITIVE REGARD and UNDERSTANDING- Being a parent requires positive regard and genuine understanding. Children of all ages make mistakes, go down wrong paths, and create chaos. A parent’s reaction to a child’s transgressions becomes a template for how the child begins to see himself and the world around him. Positive regard and understanding nurtures well-being from the inside out even in the face of injustice.

•               HOLDING ON and LETTING GO- Being a parent is learning the art of holding on and letting go. When our baby is born we embrace her as if we would never let go! We are holding on to dear life and wanting instinctively to protect her from the ills of the world! Yet, if we never let go, we strangle her and keep her from finding her own place in the world. Parenting from the inside out is knowing how to create the balance between holding on and letting go.

Parenting from the inside out is a mindset from which we operate. It is a way of fostering love when the world is bombarding us with obstacles that test our sensibilities. Parenting from the inside out is a stepping stone for your child blanketed with hope.

reality

Our babies, from the day on which they are born, whether it be in Milwaukee, New Orleans, or Kabul, begin to experience an observed reality. Clearly, every community of children grows up with different life experiences and these experiences help shape our children’s character. One critical and essential role of the parent in the community is to help their children interpret the reality they grow up in.

At every developmental stage children are seeking understanding of how the world works and parents are the interpreters. We provide an ethical guideline of do’s and don’ts, yeses and nos, rights from wrongs in order to help our children learn the values we cherish. We are constantly teaching our children how their behavior defines them as individuals and how their actions impact the world around them. Then, through the progressive developmental stages of language, curiosity and mastery, intelligence and reason, and socialization, children create their own sense of the world.

Psychologist David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child and Miseducation, called this the child’s perceived reality. Elkind believed children between the ages of six and eight, with their concrete understanding of the world, develop a perception of the world that is black and white, yet, magical. This perceived reality becomes the basis for a life-long inner dialogue of how the child interprets the world. Parents help shape the child’s perceived reality through role modeling, explaining behavior, and discipline. On one level, parents cannot control the observed reality occurring in culture; yet, on another level, how we help our children understand the world we live in is under parental control and is a critical hallmark of becoming and being a good parent.

respect

As we facilitate our children’s understanding of the world, we must teach them about a humane world, one that engenders respect. This becomes a difficult task in the face of war, poverty, hunger, and pollution. Yet, once again, as demonstrated throughout human civilization, no matter how deplorable the global or local circumstances, individual people can make a difference. Parents must make a positive difference! Therefore, a critical tool in teaching our children about a humane reality is to parent with respect.

According to the Webster dictionary, respect has several meanings, and I would like to present two. The common meaning of respect is when an individual exhibits a positive regard, honor and courtesy toward another individual, deference is demonstrated. A second definition is contextual, when using the phrase with respect to, meaning in relation to another. When you define respect as relational, it underscores the ‘between-ness’ of respect. Respect occurs between people. It is in that ‘between-ness’ or in that relational space where it can be measured and understood. A parent-child relationship built on mutual respect positively nurtures the child’s sense of self.

How do we define respect and how do we objectify or quantify it so that we give our children a clear message? I would venture to say that a majority of parent-child conflicts ultimately become a battle about respect or, at least what parents perceive as the child’s disrespect. For example, when a child doesn’t put his toys away or a teenager is late for curfew, an argument ensues that leads to a yelling match about following family rules and respecting parental authority. I believe, how a parent treats the misbehavior becomes the template for teaching mutual respect. We cannot allow the child’s or teenager’s negative reaction during an escalated argument over misbehavior to become the measuring stick of how we evaluate the child’s respect in the family system. It is the parent’s positive regard toward the child during a family battle that teaches mutual respect. It is the parent’s sense of honor and courtesy reflected in the parent-child relationship, or as mentioned above, the ‘between-ness’ that fosters mutual respect, and ultimately models self-respect.

responsibility

Responsibility, simply put, is response-ability or the ability to respond. It is the life space between the parent and the child where respect for reality occurs, and in that ‘between-ness’, responsibility is manifested. An essential role in parenting is teaching your child to take on responsibilities so they can satisfactorily master the developmental tasks they face. Ultimately, a parent hopes a child will learn to take responsibility for himself and in doing so learns to accept his own emotions, thoughts, and actions as his own and not to blame them on others.

Responsibility comes from within. It is an internal set of rules that you act on. It is one thing to say or feel you are responsible; it is another thing to be responsible. It is the parent’s responsibility to teach ownership of responsibility to their children. Responsibility requires inner discipline. Parents set limits, develop structures, and devise programs in order to teach their children the value of being responsible. The children who succeed naturally at fulfilling their responsibilities are rewarded with warmth and attention. In a sense, their responsibility taking is respected and greatly valued by parents and teachers alike. On the other hand, too many children are not naturals at taking on responsibility. These children become the “difficult” ones, which may or may not be true, because their mastery of responsibility-taking often falls short of expectations. Parents and teachers, then respond with frustration and disappointment. Unfortunately, our negative reactions fill the child with despair. Every parent must find a path where his child can feel the ability to respond successfully. It is our responsibility to create the life space where our children feel the value of being responsible.

Stay Connected with rPARENTING

Technology has forever changed our lives, much like the agricultural and industrial revolutions that preceded it. Our children will, for the rest of their lives, be connected to this virtual reality provided to us by technology.

The bottom line for today’s parents is that we, also, must stay connected – to our children. As their virtual reality expands, it is our job to make our reality, our family’s world, our ‘between-ness’, our life space with our children alive and real. As parents, we know respect blossoms into kindness and thoughtfulness. Respect brings value to the mutual relationship. We need to own and take responsibility for what we know and what we do and help find pathways for our children to become responsible individuals.

reality…
respect…
responsibility…
Are you ready to download rPARENTING?

Accepting change is rarely easy and always inevitable. On a good day, one can be extremely rational and philosophical about how major transitions in life affect the family status quo; but one cannot avoid the emotional effects. When change occurs, thoughts and feelings run the gamut and this is clearly the case in our family as our oldest daughter leaves home and moves off to college, and we, as parents, struggle with the mixed emotions of letting go.

The pressure and stress of your child leaving home is jarring to the entire family. As it is true for most things in our society today pertaining to our children, going off to college is a major ordeal. In fact, getting into college has become a big time business where ACT/SAT preparation classes, private guidance counselors, and multiple college visits and tours are the norm. College entry is more competitive and intense than it has ever been! It is no wonder the students feel the incredible pressure to do the right thing and succeed, while at the same time, it is not surprising that parents feel an overbearing attachment to the process and to their child’s success. This becomes even a more alarming set of expectations when you consider the fact that less than half of the students who begin a four year college graduate. All these factors, as well as many other socio-political nuances, are directly impacting the family psyche and has evolved into a standard where the process of going off to college is clearly different than even a generation ago!

I do believe, however, the feelings related to kids leaving home and parents letting go are relatively the same and similar from one generation to the next. I recently asked my oldest daughter to help me write this newsletter by sharing her thoughts and feelings about going off to college. She writes:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, what can I say? Today’s the 15th, and I’m off for college in exactly three days. Crazy, huh? I sure think so. Truthfully, I’m kind of scared. Well, actually, that’s an understatement—I’m really scared. For the past three years of high school I hated it, and all I could think about was how I needed to get away and as far away from high school as soon as possible. But now that I only have three days left here, I realize that I am in no rush to leave home. It’s hard because I have lived for this moment to go off to college for so long, so now I just feel like I have missed out on so much. I mean, the whole time I sat around and prayed for my own freedom, I was 100% reliant on you as well. I mean, I just learned how to do laundry; I still can hardly cook; when the computer breaks I come to you; I ask for money all the time; and when I’m sick I act like a helpless child. And trust me, I know it isn’t wrong that I have been dependent on you for the last 18 years, but it’s the most peculiar feeling to know that in four days those luxuries—which have been the norm—are hundreds of miles away. I just don’t know if I’m ready? It just seems like I am way too dependent to make the leap to total freedom 24 hours a day; and that scares me. So I just feel like all these bad things are going to happen to me once I leave, and if you ask me what these things are, I have no idea! Everything ahead of me just seems to be a big blur, like a huge drop at the end of a cliff. And I know once I’m off the end of the cliff, I’ll be fine, but it’s the initial jump that I am terrified of. Now don’t think I am a frantic mess or anything, because I said that I know I’ll be fine, and I do actually know that. You have modeled confidence, patience, and wisdom that once I am on my own, I will know how to truly embrace. And I’m thinking that it is those qualities that matter, not whether I can do laundry or not. So, thank you. Thank you for being my role models. I love you dearly…and REMEMBER: I am ONLY 6 ½ hours away!

Love, 

Your Daughter

My daughter’s letter, eerily, reminds me of the feelings I had when I went off to college. I was scared! I remember being alone for the first time in my dorm room, with tears unexpectedly dripping down my cheeks, and feeling the most alone I have ever in my life. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. At that moment, all I can remember is feeling totally numb. Was I on that same “cliff” my daughter wrote about in her letter? As a parent you learn that you need to let your children climb their own mountains and face their own cliffs.

The child’s “leaving home” and the parent’s “letting go” is an intimate battle of emotions which doesn’t have a preset outcome. The battle is not new and it will forever speak to the common heart of the parent-child relationship.

Life comes a day at a time,
A drop at a time, a meal at a time, a card off the deck,
Always one at a time.
A breath at a time, a smile at a time, a click off the clock,
Always one at a time.
Parents then children,
One generation at a time.

In 1972, I was attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Our country was invading Cambodia. We were marching on State Street in protest to the war and my dormitory was pelted with smoke bombs. A Ph.D. was no guarantee for employment. Gas prices were skyrocketing. Environmentalism became vogue. Drugs, sex and rock ‘n roll pervaded the campus scene.

In 2004 my daughter lives in a world rampant with global terrorism. She witnesses her country divided on the issues of war and peace. Health care costs, staggering unemployment, and outsourcing of jobs is threatening the economic security of every family. She communicates wirelessly and effortlessly where immediacy and virtual realities are the norm. Her peers are being diagnosed with mental illness and being medicated with psychiatric medicines at record levels.

Just as I was thinking how much the world has changed, I began to realize the ambiguity of time- how much the world order continually changes and how the hopes and inner will of people remain virtually the same.

This past weekend my daughter and I were attending the University of California- Santa Barbara spring welcome for prospective students in fall of 2004. We were listening to the University chancellor, along with 800 other parents and young adults, boast of the school’s three recent Nobel prize winners when suddenly a female student came bursting down the aisle, nude and proudly yelling “I love Santa Barbara.” Like a staged act, the shocked audience laughed nervously and the chancellor continued his speech. The woman next to me leaned over and whispered, “I am sure all the parents are making their decision right now!” I leaned back to her and quipped, “I am sure all the kids are making their decision right now. It’s probably just a different one.” Oh, how the world has changed and not changed! I couldn’t refrain from telling my daughter how streaking ruled the days back when I was in school. In fact, the streaking student resonated with me and I paradoxically felt hope that, despite the troubling world condition my daughter already had an amusing college story to tell.

One essential ingredient to becoming and being a good parent is to be the purveyor of hope in our society. One cannot be a parent without a sense of hope. We must challenge our children to make the world a better place. It is the parent’s job to inject hope and inner strength into their children. What does hope look like? How does a parent instill hope? When does a child experience hope?

•               HOPE grows out of being listened to, acknowledged and valued.

•               HOPE grows out of feeling accepted and understood.

•               HOPE grows out of being treated with respect.

•               HOPE grows out of being given genuine and specific praise.

•               HOPE grows out of honesty.

•               HOPE grows out of being given responsibilities.

•               HOPE grows out of learning to cope with failures.

•               HOPE grows out of being involved in problem solving.

•               HOPE grows out of witnessing role models.

•               HOPE grows out of being given the freedom and independence to make choices.

The world of today is not the same as yesterday’s. Yet, patterns emerge which help us explain the daily events we experience. Hope is one common denominator in life that parents must offer their children. As my daughter makes her decision about which college she plans to attend this fall and prepares to experience the world away from the security of home, the best I can do for her is hope that I have given her the gift of hope.

•               Birth

•               First day of school

•               High school graduation

Each event engages parent and child in a host of interactions, potentially positive and negative. Parenthood assumes that each involved parent must tolerate and survive the inevitable trials and tribulations of family life. The Parent Principle is a collection of characteristics and ideas that underlie the meaning of becoming and being a parent.

The Parent Principle stimulates simultaneous feelings of sheer joy and base fear, rational thoughts and irrational ideas, scary and wonderful dreams. Parents must juggle the multiplicity of emotions.

The hardest part of raising children is teaching them to ride bicycles. A father can run beside the bicycle or stand yelling directions while the child falls. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard. -Sloan Wilson-

The Parent Principle assumes silent responsibility and ultimate blame. Through the eyes of the child, when life is going well the parent is often taken for granted and, conversely, when life is difficult the parent is typically blamed. In loco parentis is Latin for “children can drive parents crazy.” The duality of the parent role can never be understood by the child, that is, until the child becomes a parent himself or herself.

The Parent Principle parallels the polarizing effect of life. As a parent, you experience your child’s “highest highs” and “lowest lows” and experience the feelings like in no other relationship. Therefore, how a parent responds to the good and bad becomes the mirror of how children see themselves.

Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. -Aldous Huxley-

The Parent Principle evolves out of a dichotomy of how parents must navigate between the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the good and bad of their children’s lives. This is where I believe the Parent Principle lays its foundation. Through self-respect and the desire to openly engage in dialogue, the Parent Principle comes alive. Self-respect and open communication is the basis of the Parent Principle.

Without self-respect, a person has difficulty handling the polarizing and dichotomous effects of parenting. Without self-respect, it is difficult to model respect for your children. By living a life that embraces self-respect, a parent models the qualities of respect that they want to teach to their children. With self-respect, parents treat their children with respect. A parent must nurture from a position of strength.

Without open communication, a child is not listened to and his thoughts, feelings, and ideas are not valued. Without dialogue the child does not learn the qualities of give and take and conflict resolution. Through open communication and dialogue parents and children share in experiencing the vicissitudes of life.

All of us, adult and child, are interrelated in a huge network called life. Our connections to one another are clear and direct as well as obscure and indirect. The factors that impact us range from biological, psychological, social, and spiritual to financial, political, and cultural. For each individual person there is no escape and the playing field is not always even or fair. However, since each of us is inextricably involved in one another’s lives, an incredible excitement and sense of hope emerges for parents because we can positively influence the paths of our children. With self-respect and open communication, that is the Parent Principle, we can give parenthood our best shot!

People make choices daily about how they lead their lives. With that freedom to choose comes responsibility. Freedom and responsibility are the pillars of our society that support the foundation of personal choice. These choices become the templates in which children view their worlds. With intent or not, adults are the role models children use to make sense of their developing realities.

“Be a good role model” is a phrase we hear throughout our lifetimes. As parents, our children actively witness us as role models in order for them to imagine who and what type of person they might become. We are the yardsticks for children to measure their perceived reality of acceptable and unacceptable human interactions.

It is important to differentiate between a parent role model and all other role models for children. The parent role model is primary, other role models are considered secondary. The distinction between primary and secondary role models is not one of importance but rather one of quality. The parent role model is primary because of three distinctive characteristics. One, the parent-child relationship begins in the child’s infancy when memories are stored but not remembered. Two, the parent-child relationship lasts a lifetime and is closely monitored by the child throughout critical developmental stages when a child’s identity formation is the task at hand. Moreover, this process occurs in a sequential and successive fashion. Three, being your child’s role model endures time and because of the nature of the relationship there are many opportunities for success. By contrast, secondary role models tend to have a starting point that is clear in the child’s mind. They are often short lived and phase specific. Secondary role models may be imagined and do not necessarily have a real relationship with the child. Both primary and secondary role models are important and distinctive factors in the child’s psychological development.

How do we nurture the parent-child relationship so that we enable them to navigate the road, in Frankl’s words, between “the Statue of Liberty and the Statue of Responsibility?” The key ingredients for parents are listed below:

•            Understand your own values and be consistent with them. Take the freedom to know who you are.

•            Explore your psychological side and face your issues. Be personally responsible to your needs, do not blame, and do not allow unfinished business to rule your interactions with others.

•            Nurture yourself. Enjoy life. Laugh!

•            Allow your spiritual side self-expression.

•            Be truly available to your child’s place in life and validate the positive and negative feelings he or she experiences.

The bottom line is that when we best know ourselves, and further, take care of ourselves, we provide our children a role model with integrity.

Being a role model to our children comes as a job detail under parenting. We have the freedom to choose how we live our lives. With that freedom, we take on the responsibility to be our children’s role model. There is a slogan “if you walk the walk you can talk the talk.” When our children experience our “talk is equal to our walk,” we teach them the invaluable lesson of being true to ourselves.

Entering the first grade is a major developmental shift for parents and children alike. Essentially, it represents the beginning of a child’s academic career and the parent’s role as teacher becomes secondary to the institution of education. Formal education is of prime importance and the first grade experience lays the foundation for our children’s attitudes and expectations about being a student.

As children we learn some of our most phenomenal and incredible accomplishments without the help of any external motivation. We learn to walk, talk, and initiate with others because we are human. The human condition is such that we want to be social and interact in the world. We possess an intrinsic need to learn how to be connected to the external world. As we develop, we eventually become conditioned to react to others’ directions. Then, our interactions and choices become dependent on another person’s approval. As we become school age, the school environment becomes the external motivator that the young person attempts to please. Our early learning process becomes dependent on the match between ” the child and the school.” Therefore, it becomes critical that parents understand the learning style of their children and become active players in the formal education of their children.

We, as a society, essentially provide children one education from ages 5 through 18. During that time span, many challenging developmental tasks affect a child’s ability to learn. Our role as parents must turn to one of advocates for our children in their learning process. Clearly, the role of advocating evolves as the child ages. Regardless of the form our advocacy takes, our job is to help create a positive path of learning for our children that reflect our children’s individualized learning style. This is a tall order for parents!

Many children adapt well to the school environment and succeed in meeting the academic demands. In fact, the role of the parent steadily decreases with time and the child continues to thrive. Unfortunately, and in too many cases, the school institutions do not match the child’s human intrinsic need to learn. Therefore, because of the mismatch, and despite the good intentions of many excellent teachers, parents need to approach their child’s entrance into first grade with an eager willingness to positively challenge the system.

Below is a parent checklist for helping your child enter the first grade. The checklist includes practical “nitty-gritty” tips, suggestions that support the emotional well being of your child, and ideas and/or questions that will challenge you and the school.

•            PRACTICAL TIPS

•            Make sure your child is registered. If your child is attending the same school as the previous year, this may not be necessary. Are all health forms completed? Does the school have a list of emergency numbers? Does your child have specific medical needs and is the school properly informed? Is there a school nurse? If necessary, who will dispense medications?

•            Be clear about the date of the first day of school, starting time and length of the school day. Get information about the daily schedule.

•            Learn your child’s teacher’s name. Teach it your child with the correct pronunciation and how the teacher wants to be addressed. Where in the school is the teacher’s classroom?

•            Get information regarding food and drinks, snacks, etc. What does the school provide and what do you need to pack for your child? When is lunch? Can it be purchased and how much? Is the school aware of your child’s dietary needs?

•            Find out how the transportation to and from school works. Do students walk to school? Are you driving and dropping off? Is bussing involved? Is biking possible? There are safety precautions your child must become aware of and understand.

•            Does the school allow children inside the school prior to the first bell? If not, where does your child wait? Are there guidelines for after school pick-up?

•            What clothes will your child need to wear and do specific classes, like gym and art, have special requests?

•            Obtain a list of school materials that need to be purchased prior to the beginning of school? What specific materials does your child need for the first day of school?

•            Make certain your child has your telephone number and a small amount of change in his or her backpack!

•            SUPPORTIVE SUGGESTIONS

•            Be positive about the beginning of school. Share fun, personal stories. Be optimistic.

•            Acknowledge the range of positive and negative feelings associated with beginning first grade. Do not set up unrealistic expectations.

•            Prior to the start of school, review with your child his or her strengths and accomplishments from the previous school year. Highlight the positive factors as a springboard to begin the new year.

•            Encourage your child to be open to new friends and try new activities.

•            If your child is new to the school, attempt to find another child in the neighborhood who will be in your child’s class. Try to arrange a play date prior to the beginning of school.

•            If possible, visit the school prior to the first day of school. Meet the teacher and let your child ask any questions he or she may have. Tour the school and introduce yourself and your child to other school personnel.

•            Get in the pattern of talking about school and listening to your child’s successes and failures.

•            Remind your child whom he or she can go to if problems arise.

•            Some children benefit from having a “transitional object” that he or she can take to school as a reminder of home. Place a friendly note in your child’s backpack.

•            CHALLENGING IDEAS and QUESTIONS

•            What kind of learner is your child? How does your child learn best and in what kind of circumstances does he or she shine? Is your child a group learner or solitary learner? Is your child a constant questioner, requires hands-on materials, prefers repetition. Create a thumbnail sketch that describes your child’s approach to learning tasks.

•            Become a student of the school’s academic curriculum and general approach to teaching. What are the reading and math programs? Why does your school system favor any particular trend in teaching? Then, determine, for example, if the school reading program is a good match for your child’s style of learning?

•            Ask questions of the school principal to determine a proper classroom fit. What is the teacher’s style? What are the group dynamics of the classroom students? How do these qualities mesh with your child’s personality?

•            Are computers integrated into your child’s learning experience, and if so, how? What other technological advancements is your school engaged in?

•            What are the extra-curricular strengths of the school and how do they match your child’s interests?

•            What support services are provided at the school? How are they obtained?

•            If your child faces specific learning difficulties, how will the school assess the problems and provide support?

•            Remember, advocacy for your child’s education must be proactive and not only result from negative situations that occur.

When your child enters the first grade, the child’s world becomes larger. The world of learning becomes serious business. The anticipation of entering first grade is marked with great excitement and healthy worry. As parents, we do what is necessary to prepare our children for this major transition in life. Nurturing the child’s mind is a human priority!